Cott N. Mather
Under Assistant Public Relations Executive
Did you know that the 9/11 health bill requires sick first responders to have their names run through the FBI's terrorism watch list before they can receive treatment?
Checking out sick 9/11 first responders for terrorism was a good start. But we Homeland Security professionals know that this bill does not go nearly far enough. To fully secure our homeland against its implacable enemies, we need to find out whether any of these supposedly heroic first responders are actually witches in disguise.
To that end, Newt Gangrene (R-GA) has introduced HR-666, a bill that would require ailing first responders to be tested for witchcraft by way of the three time-honored screening devices: The sink-or-swim test, the pinprick test, and the Lord's Prayer test. Under the bill's provisions, sick first responders would first be tied up in a fetal position with rocks attached to their ankles and thrown in the water. Any who sink to the bottom and drown would be judged innocent and given burial benefits, while those who float would be deemed witches and thus ineligible for health assistance unless they passed the other two tests: Bleeding with sufficient profusion when pricked with a sharp object, and reciting a flawless rendition of the Lord's Prayer.
According to budget projections, taxpayers could save tens of millions of dollars simply by carrying out these simple witchcraft tests on sick first responders. Who could possibly argue with that? After all, what kind of person would want to waste the taxpayers' money on witches? Obviously anyone who opposes this measure is a witch sympathizer if not an out-and-out witch!
By screening first responders for witchcraft, we would also be signaling a shift in strategic direction: The war on terror is out, and the war on witchcraft is in. This strategic shift will bring countless benefits. Among them:
* Credibility. Surveys show that the world no longer believes in the "war on terror." A recent poll found that 89% of Germans doubt the official story of 9/11, and other polls have found similarly high levels of skepticism throughout the world. In fact, polls show the US and Israeli governments are viewed as the two biggest terrorist threats to the planet. Clearly, the whole concept of "terrorism" no longer works. Yet other surveys show that belief in witchcraft -- one of humanity's oldest and most pervasive cultural traits -- persists among a broad cross-section of the world's population. A War on Witchcraft represents a more credible alternative to the failed "War on Terror."
* Scariness. In light of studies showing that people are 30 times more likely to be hit by lightning than to be killed by non-government terrorists, hardly anybody is stupid enough to actually fear terrorism any more. Yet witchcraft still gives many people -- even those who don't consider themselves superstitious -- a thrilling tingle of fear. Would people revolt against carcinogenic naked body scanners if they were told that the purpose was to identify evil, scary witches (by locating the telltale marks on their bodies) rather than to fight the statistically insignificant terrorist "threat"?
* Breadth of reach. One of the great things about the War on Terror -- before people got wise -- was that we could designate just about anybody or any country as a "suspected terrorist" or a "sponsor of terror" and then do just about anything we wanted to them: Kill them, kidnap them, rob them, loot their resources, torture them...you name it! Now that the "terror" concept has run its course, we need to replace it with the even broader and more nebulous concept of witchcraft. Calling people witches, and designating countries as state sponsors of witchcraft, is a piece of cake. Standards of evidence for witchcraft are even lower than those for terrorism: If just about anybody could be labeled a terrorist and tortured, disappeared, or murdered by executive order...well, ANYBODY, PERIOD can be labeled a witch.
Heritage. The war on terror was an anomaly. But "war on witches" is as American as apple pie! As every schoolchild knows, the Salem Witch Trials are right up there with the American Revolution and the Civil War as mythical-historical foundation events in the story of our great country. And because the witch trials came first, it could even be argued that they are THE seminal events in the forging of the American identity. By launching a War on Witchcraft, we would be coming full circle and returning to the core vision of our real founding fathers (such as my own illustrious ancestor).
For all of these reasons and more, I urge you to write your representatives in support of HR-666 and the War on Witchcraft. After all, the spell you help break could be one that has been cast...on you.
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